A binge, to myself, isn't the process of actually eating, it's the mindset I get into for the eating. A binge can last anything from a few hours, to a few weeks. It doesn't mean that during those weeks I'm CONSTANTLY eating, just that I'm constantly thinking about it. I can wake up in the morning and it can be the first thing I think about, or I can get to 2pm and not have thought about it and then *binggg* I suddenly can't think about anything else.
A typical binge (when I've not binged for a day or so) usually starts with this tingly feeling I get in my mouth. I've tried to describe this to countless specialists and all I usually get is a funny look. It's where the bottom of my jaw meets the top. It may be saliva glands, I'm not entirely sure. But anyway, this starts to tingle and I'm aware that I get a bit more sensitive to my senses. I usually fight this compulsion for a few hours and then something just snaps in me. I'm never sure quite what it is, I just start. I can binge on anything, sandwiches, cereal, whatever's in the fridge. It's never normaly something I have to prepare.
Some days I do find that I've prepared for a binge, either by previously buying the stuff (particularly already made sandwiches, which I pretend is lunch for a few people) or if I'm out and about I will go between a few shops so people don't think I'm buying it all for myself. My biggest worry is that I will buy a load of food and that the person serving me will be thinking 'what a fatty, eating all that', so I make it seem as innocent as possible!
While I'm eating it Niamh is normally at play group or is busy playing. During a physical binge she's the only thing I'm aware of. I'm for ever watching to make sure she doesn't come in and see it. Or if it's happening when my Fiance is home, which it rarely does, I'll often hide and eat as quietly as I can.
Al though I only eat for an hour or so I manage to get an awful lot in. Roughly 3 times my daily calorie limit. I feel so out of control while I'm eating! The first few bites always feel like gluttony as I do enjoy it! I get this sense of relief and satisfaction when I start. But it soon turns into self loathing and anger. And my biggest achievement... I can even argue with myself! I find myself thinking 'Don't do it, you'll only regret it!!' but I always take that next bite.
I'll eat until I physically can't take in anything else. Until I feel well past sick. I've tried in the past to purge, but I can't. To me, being sick is the worst thing in the world!
Afterwards comes the depression. I'm so angry at myself for giving in again, and for letting it go on so long. And physically, I feel shocking. My tummy will be gurgling and painful, I want to be sick. I also get a lot of heartburn afterwards.
A binge can last all day too, it usually starts with one big binge and then little snacky binges for the rest of the day.
When I'm not binging I eat so well, with a lot of fresh and home cooked produce. I know people who know me well and eat out with me regularly always wonder why I'm a size 20(UK). They expect me to be slim because I like fresh salads and don't eat too many chips etc. But I find it so hard eating in front of people.
I've not read this back as it was hard enough writing it. I think the hardest thing for me is KNOWING it's not right, and knowing that I could stop it. I'm just not quite sure how, just now.
TTFN
Abi
No comments:
Post a Comment