I'm going to try and get this out as concisely and as coherently as I possibly can, however I'm trying to cut down 7 years into one blog post. It's also something that I've never discussed in detail, at least not honestly, so it may seem a little jumbled. I promise I'll try pull it all together in the end though!!
Honestly, I can't remember a time I didn't binge in one way or another. It started when I was about 16, at the time I thought I was mental, it's only looking back now that I know it was binging. I thought I just needed to stop over eating.
From 16 to 18 it would happen quite regularly but not often enough that it felt like an issue. I just felt like I ate too much and didn't know when to stop. All I knew was I was eating to the point of sickness and then feeling guilty about it. Especially as, then, my binges weren't anything to write home about. A couple of sandwiches, a couple of bags of crisps and a couple of chocolate bars. I would often go into a shop and pretend I was buying lunch for 2 or 3 people when it was actually all for myself. I'd then take it all and park my car somewhere quiet, eat it all and then wallow in self pity for a bit.
When I fell pregnant at the ripe ol' age of 18 my binges took a back seat. Although I was still binging it wasn't as noticeable as I was suffering such bad morning sickness so anything I was eating I was bringing back up (accidentally, I've never been able to force myself to purge, not for lack of trying) or I couldn't stomach the thought of food anyway.
During my pregnancy I started a job that was the start of the spiral for me. It was as a shop assistant in a small, relatively quiet paper shop. I was always the only person there, surrounded by every refined sugar and carbohydrate known to man.
After I had my daughter my binging spiraled out of control, I went back to work after my maternity leave, back to the little shop and it gave me the means and opportunity to binge for as long as I wanted with few interruptions. I have whole weeks at this shop that are a total blur as they just felt like one continuous episode.
One of the biggest sellers in the shop was Cadbury's Milk chocolate. To this day it is one of my biggest triggers.
After a couple of years I was having roughly 5 episodes a week. They were consisting of anything between 3,000 and 10,000 calories a binge. My weight was creeping up and up and I was an emotional wreck. I was struggling to concentrate, my stomach was in pieces because of the quantities and my relationship with my partner was all but dead as I spent my whole time planning and fantasising about binges or in the depths of depression after one.
Somehow through all of this, on the outside I still managed to function perfectly. My mother knew very little of it, I still took my daughter to classes and I managed to keep it from my other half. But when Niamh (my daughter) turned 2 I had a complete breakdown. I admitted everything to my mum and in the end was dragged a long to my local GP.
He was great, although he knew very little he referred me to an psychiatrist who specialised in EDs. I spent 12 weeks getting Cognitive Brain Therapy and for a short while felt relatively normal.I wouldn't say it ever got rid of it though. Whether it was because CBT just didn't work for me or because I wasn't ready to kick it yet.
Shortly after my CBT finished I went back to my old ways. Maybe even worse so. Quantities were less but my lack of self control began to really scare me as did how regularly these 'mini binges' were happening. Not only this, but the length of time in a 'binge zone' began to lengthen too. I would spend WEEKS waking up in the morning and feeling the need to binge from the second I got out of bed. It was exhausting.
Outside of binging I ate incredibly healthily, I was petrified someone would see me eating something unhealthy and link it with my BED. Rationally, I knew a stranger in a restaurant wouldn't have a clue about what happened behind closed doors just because I'd eaten a burger or hadn't left anything on my plate. But it was just one of the many ways BED controlled my every day dealings with life.
Over the last few months I've come to realise how much it's controlling me, or more, how little control I have over it! And slowly but surely I've come to the realisation that I need to do something about it. I know that only I can change it, that no one else, no matter how much information and support is thrown at me, can help me if I'm not ready and willing to change myself. And I genuinely feel that this time I will!
I'm impressed if you've made it this far! I know that can't have been an easy read, particularly if you have an ED. Triggers thrown at you left, right and center. It really wasn't that easy for me to write, but I'm glad I did. It's strange seeing it all written down. Almost like an out of body experience. The sensible side of me of me is all 'Whoa, have you seen what you've written there? Look how easy it would be to just not binge any more!!'. Yet, even sitting here, feeling more positive about it than I have in years, there's this little niggling voice in my head, whispering. It's almost like that ridiculous Robin Thicke video, where he's whispering in a woman's ear 'You know you want it, you know you want it'. And I really don't, not really.
I'm hoping now we have that little elephant out the way, I can focus on the future. I've not got a game plan or a strategy on how I'm going to deal with this, yet. I'm just taking it day by day. And tomorrow is a new one, and one I'm going to enjoy!
TTFN
Abi
Shortly after my CBT finished I went back to my old ways. Maybe even worse so. Quantities were less but my lack of self control began to really scare me as did how regularly these 'mini binges' were happening. Not only this, but the length of time in a 'binge zone' began to lengthen too. I would spend WEEKS waking up in the morning and feeling the need to binge from the second I got out of bed. It was exhausting.
Outside of binging I ate incredibly healthily, I was petrified someone would see me eating something unhealthy and link it with my BED. Rationally, I knew a stranger in a restaurant wouldn't have a clue about what happened behind closed doors just because I'd eaten a burger or hadn't left anything on my plate. But it was just one of the many ways BED controlled my every day dealings with life.
Over the last few months I've come to realise how much it's controlling me, or more, how little control I have over it! And slowly but surely I've come to the realisation that I need to do something about it. I know that only I can change it, that no one else, no matter how much information and support is thrown at me, can help me if I'm not ready and willing to change myself. And I genuinely feel that this time I will!
I'm impressed if you've made it this far! I know that can't have been an easy read, particularly if you have an ED. Triggers thrown at you left, right and center. It really wasn't that easy for me to write, but I'm glad I did. It's strange seeing it all written down. Almost like an out of body experience. The sensible side of me of me is all 'Whoa, have you seen what you've written there? Look how easy it would be to just not binge any more!!'. Yet, even sitting here, feeling more positive about it than I have in years, there's this little niggling voice in my head, whispering. It's almost like that ridiculous Robin Thicke video, where he's whispering in a woman's ear 'You know you want it, you know you want it'. And I really don't, not really.
I'm hoping now we have that little elephant out the way, I can focus on the future. I've not got a game plan or a strategy on how I'm going to deal with this, yet. I'm just taking it day by day. And tomorrow is a new one, and one I'm going to enjoy!
TTFN
Abi
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