A Typical Binge

This isn't something I'd normally share but I feel it's something that's important to on this blog.

A binge, to myself, isn't the process of actually eating, it's the mindset I get into for the eating. A binge can last anything from a few hours, to a few weeks. It doesn't mean that during those weeks I'm CONSTANTLY eating, just that I'm constantly thinking about it. I can wake up in the morning and it can be the first thing I think about, or I can get to 2pm and not have thought about it and then *binggg* I suddenly can't think about anything else.

A typical binge (when I've not binged for a day or so) usually starts with this tingly feeling I get in my mouth. I've tried to describe this to countless specialists and all I usually get is a funny look. It's where the bottom of my jaw meets the top. It may be saliva glands, I'm not entirely sure. But anyway, this starts to tingle and I'm aware that I get a bit more sensitive to my senses. I usually fight this compulsion for a few hours and then something just snaps in me. I'm never sure quite what it is, I just start. I can binge on anything, sandwiches, cereal, whatever's in the fridge. It's never normaly something I have to prepare.

Some days I do find that I've prepared for a binge, either by previously buying the stuff (particularly already made sandwiches, which I pretend is lunch for a few people) or if I'm out and about I will go between a few shops so people don't think I'm buying it all for myself. My biggest worry is that I will buy a load of food and that the person serving me will be thinking 'what a fatty, eating all that', so I make it seem as innocent as possible!

While I'm eating it Niamh is normally at play group or is busy playing. During a physical binge she's the only thing I'm aware of. I'm for ever watching to make sure she doesn't come in and see it. Or if it's happening when my Fiance is home, which it rarely does, I'll often hide and eat as quietly as I can.

Al though I only eat for an hour or so I manage to get an awful lot in. Roughly 3 times my daily calorie limit. I feel so out of control while I'm eating! The first few bites always feel like gluttony as I do enjoy it! I get this sense of relief and satisfaction when I start. But it soon turns into self loathing and anger. And my biggest achievement... I can even argue with myself! I find myself thinking 'Don't do it, you'll only regret it!!' but I always take that next bite.

I'll eat until I physically can't take in anything else. Until I feel well past sick. I've tried in the past to purge, but I can't. To me, being sick is the worst thing in the world!

Afterwards comes the depression. I'm so angry at myself for giving in again, and for letting it go on so long. And physically, I feel shocking. My tummy will be gurgling and painful, I want to be sick. I also get a lot of heartburn afterwards.

A binge can last all day too, it usually starts with one big binge and then little snacky binges for the rest of the day.

When I'm not binging I eat so well, with a lot of fresh and home cooked produce. I know people who know me well and eat out with me regularly always wonder why I'm a size 20(UK). They expect me to be slim because I like fresh salads and don't eat too many chips etc. But I find it so hard eating in front of people.  

I've not read this back as it was hard enough writing it. I think the hardest thing for me is KNOWING it's not right, and knowing that I could stop it. I'm just not quite sure how, just now.

TTFN

Abi

A Trip Over The Water

Just over a fortnight ago I was promising myself that I'd update this fairly regularly and for once in my life finish something, and here I am, just 2 posts in and slacking already!!

I do have good reason for it though, I've spent a long week end in Ireland visiting my in laws. It's been wonderful. Myself and Niamh flew over on Thursday morning and JP drove over on Friday night once he'd finished work. 

Thursday was the first time I've used public transport, alone with Niamh. We've hopped on the train to Edinburgh a couple of times but this was 3 trains and a flight! I was really worried about it but it went really well.  We were both lovely and calm and even arrived t the airport early which is UNHEARD of for me.

We had a wonderful time, visiting family, roaming hills, shopping and just generally doing sweet nothing. 

On the ED front, I've found it fairly tough. I don't know how people manage to cut it out cold turkey! I've been writing down as many of my emotions as I possibly can which I'm finding fairly helpful, although I'm seeing no recurring themes or emotional triggers. I find it virtually impossible to write things down when they're actually happening as I tend to go into a little 'trance' and forget about al most everything else.

Although I am finding my 'rational side' is starting to get a lot louder. I am managing to  now at least be cross at myself afterwards and not just depressed.

The other day I had a binge and stopped half way through which is not usually something I can manage as part of my compulsion is to see it out to the end.

We will get there,

TTFN

Abi

My Story: Binge Eating Disorder

I'm going to try and get this out as concisely and as coherently as I possibly can, however I'm trying to cut down 7 years into one blog post. It's also something that I've never discussed in detail, at least not honestly, so it may seem a little jumbled. I promise I'll try pull it all together in the end though!!

Honestly, I can't remember a time I didn't binge in one way or another. It started when I was about 16, at the time I thought I was mental, it's only looking back now that I know it was binging. I thought I just needed to stop over eating.

From 16 to 18 it would happen quite regularly but not often enough that it felt like an issue. I just felt like I ate too much and didn't know when to stop. All I knew was I was eating to the point of sickness and then feeling guilty about it. Especially as, then, my binges weren't anything to write home about. A couple of sandwiches, a couple of bags of crisps and a couple of chocolate bars. I would often go into a shop and pretend I was buying lunch for 2 or 3 people when it was actually all for myself. I'd then take it all and park my car somewhere quiet, eat it all and then wallow in self pity for a bit.

When I fell pregnant at the ripe ol' age of 18 my binges took a back seat. Although I was still binging it wasn't as noticeable as I was suffering such bad morning sickness so anything I was eating I was bringing back up (accidentally, I've never been able to force myself to purge, not for lack of trying) or I couldn't stomach the thought of food anyway.

During my pregnancy I started a job that was the start of the spiral for me. It was as a shop assistant in a small, relatively quiet paper shop. I was always the only person there, surrounded by every refined sugar and carbohydrate known to man.

After I had my daughter my binging spiraled out of control, I went back to work after my maternity leave, back to the little shop and it gave me the means and opportunity to binge for as long as I wanted with few interruptions. I have whole weeks at this shop that are a total blur as they just felt like one continuous episode.

One of the biggest sellers in the shop was Cadbury's Milk chocolate. To this day it is one of my biggest triggers. 

After a couple of years I was having roughly 5 episodes a week. They were consisting of anything between  3,000 and 10,000 calories a binge. My weight was creeping  up and up and I was an emotional wreck. I was struggling to concentrate, my stomach was in pieces because of the quantities and my relationship with my partner was all but dead as I spent my whole time planning and fantasising about binges or in the depths of depression after one. 

Somehow through all of this, on the outside I still managed to function perfectly. My mother knew very little of it, I still took my daughter to classes and I managed to keep it from my other half. But when Niamh (my daughter) turned 2 I had a complete breakdown. I admitted everything to my mum and in the end was dragged a long to my local GP.

He was great, although he knew very little he referred me to an psychiatrist who specialised in EDs. I spent 12 weeks getting Cognitive Brain Therapy and for a short while felt relatively normal.I wouldn't say it ever got rid of it though. Whether it was because CBT just didn't work for me or because I wasn't ready to kick it yet.

Shortly after my CBT finished I went back to my old ways. Maybe even worse so. Quantities were less but my lack of self control began to really scare me as did how regularly these 'mini binges' were happening. Not only this, but the length of time in a 'binge zone' began to lengthen too. I would spend WEEKS waking up in the morning and feeling the need to binge from the second I got out of bed. It was exhausting.

Outside of binging I ate incredibly healthily, I was petrified someone would see me eating something unhealthy and link it with my BED. Rationally, I knew a stranger in a restaurant wouldn't have a clue about what happened behind closed doors just because I'd eaten a burger or hadn't left anything on my plate. But it was just one of the many ways BED controlled my every day dealings with life.

Over the last few months I've come to realise how much it's controlling me, or more, how little control I have over it! And slowly but surely I've come to the realisation that I need to do something about it. I know that only I can change it, that no one else, no matter how much information and support is thrown at me, can help me if I'm not ready and willing to change myself. And I genuinely feel that this time I will!


I'm impressed if you've made it this far! I know that can't have been an easy read, particularly if you have an ED. Triggers thrown at you left, right and center. It really wasn't that easy for me to write, but I'm glad I did. It's strange seeing it all written down. Almost like an out of body experience. The sensible side of me of me is all 'Whoa, have you seen what you've written there? Look how easy it would be to just not binge any more!!'. Yet, even sitting here, feeling more positive about it than I have in years, there's this little niggling voice in my head, whispering. It's almost like that ridiculous Robin Thicke video, where he's whispering in a woman's ear 'You know you want it, you know you want it'. And I really don't, not really.

I'm hoping now we have that little elephant out the way, I can focus on the future. I've not got a game plan or a strategy on how I'm going to deal with this, yet. I'm just taking it day by day. And tomorrow is a new one, and one I'm going to enjoy!

TTFN

Abi

My Intentions: Binge Eating Disorder

I just want to start by saying that all these are my own thoughts and opinions based on my own experiences. I'm by no means a medical professional, nor do I have a clue what I'm talking about! 

Eating disorders are very personal things and I don't believe that 2 people experience them in the same way. Even if it looks like we do, triggers will differ, as will emotions before, during and after it.

Now the sticky part is out the way, and if you can't tell by the title, I 'suffer with' binge eating disorder.

I have done since I was roughly 16, I can't pin point a first binge or even the point tht I realised it was a problem. I will make a post about my story though. Just not this one. 

The last few weeks have been the worst I've ever experienced and after a pretty bad episode* I came to the stark realisation that I had to do something about this. After all, I'm the only one that can. I can either carry on letting it control me, or I can put a foot forward and deal with it.

Believe me, this is anything but the first time I've said "THAT'S IT". But this time I have every intention of getting rid of it. 

So, here goes.

I know it won't be an easy battle, it's been a huge part of my life for 7 years. And I can guarantee that there will be days where I go back to old ways. But that's just one day. Even if my compulsion makes me feel the need to end the day badly, the next morning is a new day.

I plan to document as much as I possibly can on here, for myself, and for those who are going through similar things. Because sometimes it's just nice to read that you're not alone. There's someone who has the t-shirt several times over.

I don't intend for this blog to be solely about BED though. To change such a big part of my life know I'll have to change many parts of my life.

I'm excited about this, to be making a change!!

TTFN,

Abi

*I tend to call them 'episodes' as I don't like talking about 'binges' after they've happened. I suppose it's part of the shame involved.